There are countless beautiful moments on this album. The one that brought me to tears was not one of them.The song is called "Holy Fucking Shit: 40,000." About three minutes in, my eyes welled up with tears, and my body took that terrific depressive downturn that reminds me so much of old times. And then just like that it was over. And once I came back to my senses, I realized the song I was listening to wasn't in the slightest bit emotional or powerful or beautiful or anything. Nice guitars layered over a basic synth beat. A fucking synth beat. And I almost cried to it.
I guess I should note now that I like this album, but I have no idea where to begin describing it. The last.fm page calls it "shoegaze/industrial/new wave," and that was probably written by someone who's listened to the entire album at least once--a feat I have yet to accomplish. I had heard good things and I wasn't disappointed. But I'm turning it off two tracks before the end, 'cause I've got bigger things on my mind tonight. Like whatever the fuck just happened with that stupid song.
I used to get like that all the time, way back yonder, ya know, all that crap I blathered on about end over end on this little pathetic document here, but now that's an extreme rarity. The last time I cried was the result of weeks of emotional turmoil all boiling over into one big drunken awful confrontation that most any person would have succumbed to. It was fucking awful. So why tonight?
Oh yeah, I'm 20. That's an easy answer/excuse, but it's a wrong one. I have been thinking it over somewhat tonight, so I might as well follow through with it, right? Sure. Why the fuck not.
It occurred to me that a 20 year-old can't get away with the kind of shit a 19 year-old can get away with. That big two up there means that you gotta grow the fuck up. To a point, of course. It made me think that all the little cutesy relationship shit I've pulled over the years is juvenile as fuck (Listen to me, what a prick) and at some point it's just old and you gotta just stop (Seriously are you reading this? I'm writing it and I can't believe it. Here's the real deal here. I shouldn't feel sorry for anything. None of it. I'm acting completely fucking rationally. It's the rest of you that need to get your heads out of your asses and grow the fuck up, because guess what--I'm fucking 20, and frankly I don't need any of your bullshit. None of it. Grow up and move on. Because it's killing me, and it shouldn't be, because we're all mature fucking people and this is something that we can handle as such mature people. So FUCKING STOP. It's not cute, it's sick, it's disturbing, and it's starting to scare me. Normal people do not act like this.) going over the same tired, time-tested-and-proven-false paths.
So here's to growing up. Or not. Depends on who you ask.
Edit from Sept. 3, 2010: Lol.
